on the assumption that nobody reads this blog anymore because I haven't posted in a very, very long time, I'm turning it into a sort of journal. more personal. before, I had written to an audience. now I'm just writing to write and to get my feelings out about everything that's going on.
I want to use this website as a form of catharsis. I want to sneak photos of people when they're not looking and when they don't know - that's when they are their most beautiful. no posed smiles, but actual emotion.
I think that's one of the reasons why I love photography, is because it's so different than anything else. you can freeze frame a person in a way that shows who that person is. no mirror or posed photo can do that. candid photography - that's what I like.
but anyway, there's 23 days until I graduate and 63 days until I turn 18, which means everything is changing. literally, pretty much everything. I'll no longer be in high school, I'll be moving out, going to college. leaving so much behind to experience new things.
and honestly?
I'm terrified.
of course I'm excited for everything that is to come, for new independence (because I am, I'm fiercely independent), for learning new things and all that, but I'm so scared to leave other things behind. to leave the school that has practically become my home these past three years, to leave friends I cannot imagine not seeing every single day of my life. to leave home and grow up and all that.
but it will be good, I know it will. it will be amazing.
in the meantime, I'm just trying to get through my last month of high school. it's odd because some moments I feel like I'm walking on sunshine (yeah, it's that song, ya know?) and other times I feel like I can't even physically put one foot in front of the other. I get so lost in my head and caught up in my thoughts, turning in a maze that was partially self-made.
but last night was a good time, a sunshine time. I went to la caille with some of my friends (most of which are, admittedly, teachers) and it was wonderful. I really didn't know what I'd been missing out on these past couple of years not going to the restaurant. the grounds are spectacularly beautiful, with greenery, vineyards, and (my personal favorite) flowers all around.
I couldn't resist picking a few of the flowers and sticking them in my hair.
but anyway, after exploring the grounds, we went in for dinner, which was pretty wonderful. I actually ate escargot, I actually ate a flipping snail. yeah, I still haven't gotten over it. honestly, it tasted pretty good - just the garlic sauce it was covered in. and truly, the texture wasn't terrible either; it was pretty chewy. so long as I didn't actually think about what I was eating, it was fine. but that's an experience I'm okay with having just once in my lifetime.
the salad and main course were good as well, and I enjoyed the raspberry sorbet, but my most favorite part was definitely the chocolate mousse. that first bite I took of it was heavenly, so rich and creamy and indescribably delicious. I felt like I was in some blissful sphere or something.
I'm not exaggerating, I promise, it was that amazing.
just the ambiance of the whole restaurant was awesome. I loved exploring the grounds and the little chateau that was la caille. and, of course, I had to get a picture with one of my favorite humans ever, mer.
going to la caille with her made me realize just how much I missed our adventures in europe. she's just so funny and wonderful and I adore her so much.
see, and that's one of the things that has me so scared for all of these changes, one of the biggest reasons I was hesitant about serving a mission, too. how could I leave these people behind, these people that I love and care for so much? there's no certainty that we'll stay in touch or talk again and it terrifies me. I can't imagine my life without them and I want them to be in it forever.
well, enough of that melancholy. like hagrid says, "what's coming will come, and we'll meet it when it does."
I just want to make my life art. I want to have a bright home with tons of windows for the sunlight to filter in and warm my skin. I want there to be paintings on the walls and drawings littering the desk, for books to be piled high. not just your typical adventure books (yes, I love harry potter, but there is more to life than it), but photography books and astronomy books and things you can learn from. I want a wall plastered with photos of people I love, freeze frame them in their beautiful moments so I can always have them with me. to have my bathroom mirror covered in quotes reminding me that I am beautiful and that society's construct of beauty is distorting.
I want to paint and draw and write beautiful things that make people feel something, to take photos that are breathtaking and controversial and amazing. I want to find a way to let the thoughts in my head form the music I wish they would, let it flow out through my fingers and inspire people the way my own thoughts do inspire me at times. I want my life to be art.
someday I hope it will be. for now, I'm going to go shower at 11:17 at night because sometimes, life gets busy and you forget to do basic human things like eat and take showers. I get so caught up in the business of life and all the things I want to do, I just... forget. or other times I don't forget and just don't do them because why do those things when you could be writing or finishing homework or learning?
okay, yes, I'm going to now.